How having fun could save your relationship – Relationship Advice

March 2, 2015

images-7The third thing I see hindering relationships of clients who come to see me is couples aren’t out there having fun together. It’s easy to get stuck in the mundane of the every day and forget to do things that bring out what made you like your partner from the beginning.

 Staying out of the seemingly inevitable rut
At some point in all relationships there is a pattern that starts to occur.  You fall into a routine of doing that same things together.  This can start to seem boring.  Until you shake it up!  Sounds great right? But how? Think about when you are the most attracted to your partner. What are they doing when they are truly in their element?  What makes them radiate happiness?  What gets them out of their head and enjoying life again?  What turns you on? Maybe they are super sexy when they play that old guitar they haven’t brought out in months or when they are on a little getaway.  Maybe you like seeing her dressed up? Well give her a reason to!  Plan a special date night to somewhere you know she likes.  Does she talk about how much she likes sushi or concerts or a spa day or dancing or little trips or painting or hiking or just cuddling on the couch together watching a movie?  Find out what she likes doing and if you don’t know it’s time to start asking questions. This one thing can save a relationship.  When you try new things together it brings back the spark of newness. Even if something isn’t new individually, it can be new together.

Importance of creating together  
If you’re not careful your relationship can become about your pain.  It can become about the problems that arise and not about the creation of a partnership you want to be a part of.

*** Fun exercise: Try writing a list of 20 things you would do with your partner if time and money were no issue.

You can have her do the same thing! Now see how you can do mini versions of those things, or even the whole shebang for some of them. You will be surprised at the automatic resistance we put up to doing new things without actually considering how we can make it work. Rather than saying “It’s impossible because (your favorite excuse of time/money/tiredness) ask yourself “How can I make this happen in my life this month?”

*** Fun exercise Part deux: Have you and your partner create a list of what you want in a relationship and compare! You may find that you have more things in common than you think and you can start making an effort to give your partner what they want rather than assuming they want the same things as you do.

My man keeps me on my toes
Something I love about the man I’m currently seeing is he comes up with all kinds of fun things to do.  We inspire each other to do new things and push each other to grow.  From concerts to new food to artistic ventures to little getaways, he’s always surprising me with something fun.  One time I said “Let’s go to Mexico this weekend.” And he said “Ya, let’s do that.”  This was Wednesday. We left on Friday.  It was amazing.  In a relationship where you never know what you expect and you’re being surprised by the other person consistently it never feels old and mundane.  See how you can wow your partner.  See what would push the boundary of who they think you are or of your relationship?  This is where growth occurs. When boundaries are pushed and it feels just a little uncomfortable.  Next stop, try this in the bedroom.  Bedroom blogpost coming up next week. :) 

 

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Vulnerability – your secret weapon (Relationship advice)

February 17, 2015

4 keys to healthy relationships: 2nd Key is Vulnerability

images-1The second thing happy couples have that I find missing in people who come to me with relationships on the rocks is vulnerability.  I’m putting this in a separate category as communication because you can have good communication and still not share the deep stuff.  The deep stuff is what bonds us together and makes us really trust certain people and feel comfortable around them. When we show someone our true self and they still love and accept us, we immediately feel more love for them.  When they open up to us it also draws us closer.  This is why family and childhood ties can be so deep.  This is why it can be really hard to let a past partner go – vulnerability creates attachments.

We associate our level of relationship based on how much we reveal to someone and how much they reveal to us.  This is the same reason that the very first night I met my current partner I felt like I’d known him for years. Very quickly I felt like he knew me better than all my family and any of my childhood friends.  Vulnerability causes attachments and bonds that run deep so when a relationship has vulnerability present there is a very palpable bond between two people.

There is an article I posted on my Facebook page: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html

In this article it talks about how there is a science to falling in love.  As much as we want to believe it’s magic, it’s really not, or at least not entirely.  They say if you ask these 36 questions and stare into the eyes of a complete stranger for 4 minutes uninterrupted you are well on the road to falling in love.  I’m glad there is proof to this now so people can research it when I say that going deep and asking personal questions in dating is a good idea.  By the time you are in a committed relationship keeping this kind of sharing going insures your longevity and closeness with one another.

If you start sharing more personal things about yourself and your feelings and past experiences with your partner they will start doing the same thing.  It’s called investment.  When one person invests, it’s natural for the other person to feel more comfortable investing as well.  Somebody has to get the ball rolling and pretty soon it becomes normal to be sharing the deepest parts of yourself with the one you hold so close.

If you or your partner isn’t willing to invest, they may have a wall and it can take time to break that down but it’s important that you take the time to work on it.  You can give them space to do so and maybe encourage they talk to a professional relationship coach about it first if there is a particular past event they are uncomfortable sharing.  Make sure they know you love them and you want to love all the parts of them, even the ones they are uncomfortable sharing.  If you’re concerned about sharing something really personal sometimes having a professional help facilitate the conversation is helpful.  The point is to start sharing more with each other.

Los Angeles Relationship coach. Los Angeles Dating Coach. Relationship advice. Dating tips.




4 keys to healthy relationships – Relationship advice

February 3, 2015

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Do you ever wonder how some couples are so happy together? They seem to have some key that is hidden from the rest of the world who are just getting by and getting divorced. Healthy relationships can be elusive to those who haven’t experienced them because of course they are trying so hard to have a happy relationship but somehow it isn’t working.

When I was in my early 20’s I remember seeing this one ridiculously cute couple whom I secretly hated. They were all kiss in public and pet names and yet they could easily allow the other to have a boys weekend or night out with her girlfriends, outside of the relationship. I on the other hand, was a hot mess. I couldn’t seem to find any sort of contentment inside of a relationship longer than a couple months. I thought I was doing something wrong or it just wasn’t possible for me. Then though my own trial and error and a lot of personal work I realized this: even when someone is a great match for you, it’s still a lot of work to keep things fun and fresh. No matter how easy and relaxed someone’s relationship seems, and whether they are aware of it or not, they are doing something behind the scenes to maintain it. Many of us learned this lesson along the way, but what specific things can you do? I’ve listed 4 main topics that I see out of balance in people who come to me with challenges in their relationship or relationships that don’t last. With this awareness one can start making steps toward a more fulfilling and exciting relationship immediately.

First take a pen and make a square. In each corner write one of the following: Communication, Vulnerablity, Fun/Activities, Sex. Then write a dot on each corner of the square. This would be what your relationship would look like if it was fulfilled in each of these areas: A balanced square. Write a dot where your actual satisfaction in the area is, the center of the square being zero and the corner where the dot is currently being 100% satisfied. Don’t over think it, go with your initial gut instinct. This exercise is a visual representation of what needs the most work in your relationship or what is out of balance.

Let’s start with communication. This was the first thing I realized I was not doing in my own short lived relationships. I wasn’t asking for what I wanted or even being honest with myself about what I desired in relationship. If this area has problems, issues in other areas are bound to arise because people undoubtedly have different wants, needs, and opinions about everyday things and if not shared or dealt with, they become repressed and turn to anger and resentment. Because it’s not always appropriate to share every little gripe and complaint with your partner, it’s helpful to have someone who is objective to support you in your relationship as well so you only go to your partner with things that you need to work out with them. It’s difficult to change the other areas I’m going to cover if communication isn’t established so this long winded explanation is why it’s the first building block to a healthy relationship.

First and foremost: most people’s communication in relationships is terrible. Just look at the nasty divorce pattern that we are seeing in more than 50% of couples who swear to spend the rest of their lives together. Whether or not they were right for each other is a whole different story but if the divorce is not amicable and no one is literally insane, it’s because there is a history of needs not communicated and the couple is harboring resentments toward one another. Believe it or not, there are some people who have very respectful divorces even in cases on infidelity when they learn to communicate with one another. In a time when the former is more common than the latter some people would call what I’m about to say radical communication.

One of the issues I see people bring up about communication is being afraid of asking for what they want for fear it will be judged or rejected or misunderstood. So here is an easy place to start. One thing that is tremendously helpful in communicating issues is the ol’ ‘I feel’ statement you may have learned in 2nd grade. Still extremely relevant and effective in adult relationships as on the playground basketball court. Starting your communication with “I feel _______.” instead of “You’re ________.” makes a difficult communication much easier to be heard.

Taking the ‘I feel’ statement to the adult level involves employing solution based communication instead of placing blame, simply complaining, or making your partner responsible for meeting your needs without even knowing what they are in the first place.

Example:
“I’ve been feeling distant from you lately. I miss our one on one time together. I was thinking we could go hiking and bring a picnic lunch this Saturday.”
-is a compelling invitation compared to-
“You never want to see me anymore. Do you even care?”

When communicating something challenging for your partner to hear be sure to take responsibility for your view of the situation and your part in it. If someone is accused of something they immediately get defensive even if they know what you’re saying is true. It’s important to LISTEN to their point of view as well because you may find you are doing something that is bothering them too. If you want to be heard you must be willing to hear others.

Note to be aware of:
Careful with never and always statements, those are rarely true and are accusatory in nature. “It feels like… or it seems like we haven’t spent as much time together lately.” are easier to hear than making your perspective the the truth by saying “You have been ignoring me.”

A tool to implement: SHARETIME
One thing I find very helpful to employ is something I call “Sharetime”. Sharetime is a structure for communicating tough stuff. One caution to starting something like this: if you have had little to no communication of the tough stuff to talk about yet in your relationship, seeking professional help to get the communication ball rolling can be very helpful. When issues are repressed there tends to be extra anger, resentment and sadness behind them and the issue itself may not be such a big deal but all the repressed emotion can be overwhelming to deal with on your own. Once “Sharetime” is created you can use it as a safe way to communicate things that might normally be challenging or hard to hear. “I want to have share time.” is a wonderful way to keep the communication present in a relationship and let your partner know you need to be heard.

Rules of Sharetime:
-Listen intently to every word your partner has to say about a subject before responding. Your intention is to understand what’s it’s like in their shoes.
-Use I feel statements. Don’t blame. Take responsibility for your perspective and your part in the issue and understand your way is not the only way to see it.
-Share with the intention of letting it go. It’s not about making the other person feel bad, it’s about saying what you need to say. ‘Getting something off your chest.’

Once someone truly feels like they have been heard and acknowledged for how they feel, it disappears. There may be layers of the same thing happening over and over again and not being communicated or past traumas but each time someone is truly heard another layer of trauma disappears and something new is possible.

Remember this is a life long process, you are never “done” until you’re dead. Communication is the gateway for getting your needs met and moving past old relationship patterns, and of course, creating happy healthy relationships both romantically and personally.

Next post I will cover the next key to happy relationships.

Relationship tips/relationship advice/relationship coaching/Los Angeles




Make Your Fantasy a Reality on Valentine’s Day

February 11, 2014

Don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day? Let the dating coach help… It’s definitely not because there are a lack of women who want dates on Valentine’s Day!  Chances are it’s because you need it too much. When we desire something it becomes a fantasy and fantasies are fictional stories that never actually happen. We get stuck in the wanting of it and lose sight of having our desires come to fruition. The paradox is that actually getting what we truly want can be disappointing because it’s the death of the fantasy. We develop a close bond with our deepest fantasies and letting go of them can be a dislocating and uncomfortable experience. Part of the reason change is so difficult is you must dislocate yourself from your current state and sever the fantasy strings.  It’s much like uprooting a plant, the longer it has been there the harder it is to get all the roots.  Fantasy locks in our old behavior patterns and limits us to remain in our current set of beliefs and patterns.  It hides the very actions that could change everything from your view and tricks you into thinking you’re already on your way.  How the hell do I let go of these fantasies you say!?

The dating coach’s guide to getting a girlfriend:

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Step 1: Acknowledging your starting point. Simply take stock of where you are.

Example: I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m not dating anyone.

Step 2: Asking yourself what fantasies are in place that are giving you a false sense of hope and holding you back simultaneously?

Example: One day a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model will walk up to me in a bar, beg me to take her home and fall madly in love with me because I’m such a rockstar in the sack and we will have a four sum with Scarlete Johansson and Kate Upton and live in sexual ecstasy for all of our days.  

Ok, so that might be a little extreme, but our fantasies can be too!  Sometimes they are smaller like when we say “I’m going to start my daily workout routein tomorrow” and then we never do.  Holding on to that ‘tomorrow’ gives us a false sense of hope that we are going to do something about it rather than taking action in the present.  Tomorrow never comes…

Step 3: Feeling and integrating the emotional content that is underneath the fantasy.  This is what the fantasy is covering up.  Once it has moved through you and been released you can easily make a new choice and move forward!

Example: I feel lonely and powerless.

Step 4: The zinger.   Yep, those were the easy ones. :)  Taking responsibility for choosing to feel lonely and powerless and recognizing that it has nothing to do with your dating life, but rather that you are using that circumstance to feel lonely and powerless.  Facing this inner truth can feel gross inside, but ultimately when we take responsibility for our life we have the power to change it, otherwise we remain a victim to our outside world with no option of being anything other than a victim.

Even though consciously you may know the likelihood of your fantasy happening is pretty slim, it still gives you a place to hide out, while not actually making choices that shape your reality.  And think about it, who can actually live up to your fantasy???  No one can because it only exists in your mind!  Choose to have something real and tangible and experience in your body what it would be like to have it right now in this moment.  Choose someone who loves you for you… someone with whome  you can share laughter and joy… that you’re wildly attracted to… who is down to earth enough to be your best friend… whatever it is you want.  Rather than focusing on the specifics of who and what, create what it feels like and be open to it looking different than what you might have expected.

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Choices happen, desires don’t.

Taking action moves you forward, hoping doesn’t.

Stop fantasizing about Kate Upton and choose to meet someone amazing.

Feel free to ask the dating coach any other questions you might have about making your fantasies a reality.

Jamie@TheMysteryKey.com

 




Dating tip from a dating coach: Be comfortable with being uncomfortable

November 30, 2013

We are always moving toward what we want or away from it, but there is no such thing as not moving.  Our culture is lazy and entitled and we think that things will magically happen or one day someone will just give us what we want.  Sometimes we get lucky and it happens all at once with what seems like no effort, but we paid the price somewhere along the way.  Being lucky is about working toward your goal and simultaneously being open for it to suddenly happen all at once.  If you haven’t put the personal work in on yourself to be in a place where you know you deserve to have what you are seeking you will unconsciously find a way to lose it or get rid of it.  This can happen with anything.  I used to have trouble having more than a few thousand dollars in my bank account at one time so I would subconsciously find ways to drain my money without realizing that’s what I was doing.

As a dating coach I have seen this a lot with people and dating. For example: I had a dating coaching client who was great at meeting women who were not the ones he wanted. He could never seem to meet the kind of girl he dreamed about.  When he found a woman who could potentially be exactly what he wanted, he took himself out by getting nervous and over compensating for his discomfort.  Normally he was great with women, so this was not a matter of knowing what to do or how to talk to girls, it was about him not feeling worthy of this woman even though she was what he was looking for.  After doing some deep personal work on issues he had surrounding deserving to have a happy relationship, he was able to line up what he wanted with his unconscious mechanisms that were repelling what he wanted, he met a lovely woman and has been in a happy relationship for over a year now.  After dealing with the issue that was swimming just underneath the surface he was able to feel good about attracting the right woman for him and there was nothing in the way of that happening.

Moving toward your goals is uncomfortable.  It’s not easy the way just letting our dysfunctional mechanisms run the show is easy.  It requires discipline and dedication while also being able to let it go.  When you let it go it can come back to you, if  you’re holding on to the fantasy of it for dear life, the real thing can’t come in to existence for you.

Growth requires us to be in a constant state of change. Change it uncomfortable.  If you’re not uncomfortable you’re shrinking.  So get uncomfortable.  Take a risk.




Misery is a product of your own imagination.

July 1, 2013

Misery is a choice; it’s not even our natural state.  We have to work really hard at it!  But once we latch onto it, letting go can be quite difficult, like a baby on it’s mama’s teet.  We come from a source of infinite love and joy and that is our natural state. Our bodies start to break down when we leave that place consistently for long periods of time.  This is the root cause of much of the illness and disease our culture experiences today.

We are all born happy. This misery stuff is bull shit.  It’s a blatant choice to stick up your middle finger to your own natural way of being.  It’s leaving your hammock on the most beautiful white sandy beach in the Carribean, where you were getting a coconut oil massage from the sexiest person alive, and sipping an orgasmic fruity umbrella drink, for a nude dive with Gary Busey and Roseanne Barr in the sewer underneath Riverside, CA.

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Would you wish that upon anyone??  This is what you’re doing to yourself.  No one made you leave the beach, that was your choice.  You say, “I was fine and then I lost my job/wife/mojo/leg.”  If you lose your happiness BECAUSE of something outside yourself, your happiness is circumstantial and conditional; you can only be happy if particular planets are in alignment.  When things don’t go the way you want them to, you can have whatever reaction you need to, and simply move on or find the lesson and make the best of it.  That’s what happy people do.  Shit happens, and they go back to the beach.  They don’t swim in the sewer.

When you feel miserable you will defend that misery at all costs because you feel like you would only be this way for good reason, and if you are consistently miserable for a period of time it becomes a comfortable, addictive state. You can actually be addicted to suffering! When you’re running the suffering addiction pattern, someone who is happy is a threat to your misery.  So a miserable person will seek out other people, circumstances, and life events to perpetuate that feeling.  They are dwelling in the problems they have created for themselves and they want someone to join, because on some level they know this state of mind is their choice and they need agreement to make it ok to be choosing misery. They don’t have to be accountable to STOP suffering if the people around them are suffering too. This is why people say misery loves company.

When you are not happy and you want to be in a happy relationship you are putting an impossible expectation on your partner.  They are sure to fail, which will continue the vicious cycle of suffering.  Only you can choose to be happy, and you sure as hell can’t make someone else be happy either.  You can only be responsible for your self and let everyone else be responsible for themselves. WE ARE ALL 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF LIFE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

We always have exactly what we want in life.  If bad things keep happening to you, there is a part of you that wants those things to happen, maybe there is something you need to learn that would end the cycle. Rather than pointing the finger at something outside of yourself for ‘making’ you miserable, own that shit. Adopt of mindset of responsibility and point that finger at yourself. “I’m choosing to make myself miserable about this.”  It kills the excuse of being a victim of an outside circumstance, you get to take back your power and, eloquently speaking, make that circumstance your bitch.  How silly is it to let yourself be miserable because someone cut you off in traffic, dumped you, or even if you get a terminal illness?  Why willingly give your power over to that life challenge?  Does that create a solution or just perpetuate the problem?  No matter what happens the only thing you have control over is the way you react.

There are so many inspiring stories of people who made the best out of getting cancer or loosing a limb. They find a way to accept their circumstances and in many cases they come out a happier person after what could have been a devastating life event.  Let people like this be an inspiration and don’t let anything or anyone take you from your white sandy beach.

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Would you date you?

May 19, 2013

Ultimately if you don’t like yourself no one else will. Everyone talks about confidence. Confidence is attractive, yes. But there is something deeper than confidence I want to talk about today. It’s profound and deep, it’s abstract and under-rated. It’s self love. I realize this post is called “Would you date you?” It’s important to start with the foundation of magnetism, the art of attraction before skipping to the end. So many people go right to the surface stuff like, what your hobbies are, who you hang out with, how you present yourself to the world, what you do for work, how much money you have, etc. I’m all about that stuff, but it comes after. It’s your personality and people either like it or they don’t and that means nothing about YOU.

In today’s world we are judged by our personality and our character goes unseen. Character is who you are when people aren’t looking. When it’s quiet and you aren’t doing anything and there is no noise to distract. It’s who you are when you are alone with yourself. At that still moment ask yourself, do I love myself? If the answer is no, then you have no business dating around or trying to get someone else to love you. It won’t work. No one can love you until you love yourself.

It doesn’t mean you can’t think you want to improve something about yourself, or you have things to work on, or the other day you were rude to that cashier or short with a friend. That’s always going to be there, it’s part of being human. However judging ourselves for these things harshly over time can start to chip away at the love we once had for ourselves. Everyone one had it once. We are born into this world with it, and it’s always there when we want to come back to it.

We’ve all heard about unconditional love. Maybe your parents didn’t give that to you, maybe they didn’t know how but they tried their best and loved you the only way they knew how. Usually somewhere along the way our parents mess up and don’t love us the way we think they should. Then we blame them for why x is wrong with us. This doesn’t fix anything, so at some point we stop pointing the finger and look inside ourselves where the solutions truly lie… they lie in unconditional love. Good news is you don’t have to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you got it, great. If not, the universal God energy is giving it to us, teaching us how to love, all the time. It’s in the stillness and the silence. Sometimes it’s easiest to feel when you are around a baby or a puppy or a waterfall in nature, but really it’s everywhere all the time.

If you don’t love yourself no one else will. Start there, build a foundation upon which to have a great personality. In fact a great personality will come when you begin to open yourself to love and it will be your true personality based in your character. And it will be unique to you and unlike anyone else. That is sexy. ;)




Dating Tips – Are you boring? Ask the dating coach!

March 6, 2013

When women first start seeing someone they want it to be exciting and fun.  They expect it to feel a certain way and if it doesn’t they think it’s because they don’t like you that much.  You might be perfect for her and she doesn’t even know it because you are mistakingly hiding how great you are!  Even if she does like you but dating you doesn’t feel as exhilarating as she thinks it should or remembers it being before, she may lose interest and something that could have been great doesn’t even get explored.

There are two extremes: on one side of the dating spectrum are the guys who are deceivingly great “daters”.  They are great at taking a girl on the emotional ride she wants to go on.  He knows that in the beginning of dating him she wants to feel like she is being led by through the process of getting to know one another.  He makes this fun and exciting and therefore she’s happy.  The more serious stuff can be saved for later, she doesn’t need it yet.  She is on an emotional ride and her logical mind might not be engaged because she is on the cloud 9 of her emotions.  But when it comes time to share the more personal aspects of life, experience deep intimacy, and function more as a unit he has no idea what to do.

He’s good at creating an emotional experience to get her to shop at the store but he doesn’t have any items she needs for sale.  After a while she doesn’t want to go back to that store anymore, it seems great but it’s all empty boxes.  Confident women don’t take a man like this seriously and they will want to keep it casual or stop hanging out because he’s not comfortable exploring deeper realms.  Occasionally a guy like this will lasso a needy, insecure woman who unconsciously wants to be in a relationship with someone who is unavailable.  Then he wonders why “all women are needy”.

On the other side of the spectrum, some guys are great, and definitely boyfriend material, but they lack the ability to take a girl on the ride that she needs to go on to feel interested in finding out more.  They suck at dating.  In the example I gave earlier, they have a great store but terrible marketing so she doesn’t know she wants to go in.  Once she does get in she loves it and wants to stay because the store has so much to offer!  The good news is this is an easier problem to fix than being shallow and afraid of intimacy.

As a dating coach I get a lot of clients like this second type of guy and many times they don’t realize that there is one mistake they are making that is messing with their mojo.  Really, all guys can benefit from this, every human being can benefit from this!

Be unpredictable.  Shes bored by dating you!  If you are being unpredictable and she doesn’t know exactly what’s coming next she is always eagerly waiting to see what you will do.  If you turn dating you into a boring, mundane task and it’s not interesting enough to keep her attention, she thinks it’s because “you’re not right for her” or “you want different things” or you don’t have “anything in common” or any other of the plethora of excuses women use as to why they don’t want to see you anymore.

Do something different and shake things up a little.  Human beings have an extraordinary ability to get into a rut.  Being dynamic is sexy!  It doesn’t mean you are changing your personality, just that you’re improving it.  It will be a good exercise to expand your comfort zone of what you normally do and how you normally act.  If you are usually serious, try joking around and being a little goofy.  If you are normally the boring dinner date guy, DO SOMETHING FUN for a change.  I know the typical dinner date can be fun, but let’s face it, it’s usually not… at least when you first start dating someone because you just sit there and stare at eachother over half eaten food, trying to make conversation.  Why not go to a museum, bowling, hike, picnic on the beach, outdoor concert or even an improv show?  Take her to a hole in the wall instead of a chain at the very least.

If you want to find out if you are being unpredictable or you have a story or question email me at jamie@themysterykey.com and I’ll make a post about it.

Sincerely,

Jamie Thompson

Dating Coach




Worst reason ever to want a relationship

February 6, 2013

…So it will make you happy.  No one wants to be with someone who isn’t happy already or who needs them to be happy except someone who is also unhappy who needs someone to make them happy… and guess what?  Those two will probably not be happy together.  If they are happy for a little while they will eventually go back to being unhappy and point finger at each other for being the one who made the unhappy person unhappy again.

Dysfunctional relationships happen when someone is looking for something in someone else that they don’t think they have in themselves and they want to use the other person to get it.  Trying to fill the hole with someone only makes the hole deeper.  Many times the person patches it up for awhile, but much like putting a band-aide on a gaping wound, it eventually doesn’t do the trick anymore and the wound starts bleeding.  It’s pretty graphic, but so is this hole we want to fill.  Then we get mad at the person who stopped filling it, blaming them for our hole!  Because they covered it up for a while we think it’s their fault that it’s still there.  No one can make you unhappy.  You are one who went searching for something to fill the hole, don’t be mad when all you find is dirt. :)

We have everything we really want already inside us.  Everything you think you want outside yourself actually can be followed back to a feeling you desire to feel internally.  When you can feel the experience that you wish to have internally more frequently you start resonating with more experiences that would have you keep feeling that way.  It’s like when you are in a great mood and having a wonderful attitude people are so nice and all is good in the world.  If you are having a bad day everything seems to suck and people are assholes.  The more often we live in the experience we wish to have, the more often we will notice things happening that cause us to feel that way.  This is no coincidence.  Like attracts like.  Birds of a feather flock together.  You get the point.

People want to be around happy people.  If you are being anything but happy, don’t go out looking for someone to change that for you.  Rather take a look at what the hell you think is so bad about your life.  A wise friend once told me “If everyone threw their problems into a pile and you saw your other options, you would want your problems back”.  Try being grateful. Try smiling.  Try laughing.  Try being generous.  Try making an animal noise. (that works for me every time) Just do something!

If you stop telling yourself a story how bad things are, you will find that there is happiness in that moment and in every moment.  It’s waiting for you to stop pushing it away.

 




Relationship advice: Finding a happy relationship

January 28, 2013

I talk to clients of mine who come to me for relationship coaching and many of them are frustrated with their dating lives and who they are attracting.

For a very long time I was primarily a dating coach because I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I most wanted to hang out and have fun, doing as I please with no one to answer to. I thought this was better than being in a relationship because I had never had a great relationship. I looked around and saw that most people, including me, have crappy romantic relationships. Most people aren’t happy with their significant others, re: the divorce rate and cheating couples. As a whole people have settled for mediocre relationships. I just said relationships like 6 times. But that’s how much I love relationships! Never thought I’d say that. Now I’m transitioning from dating coaching to relationship coaching. Helping people find a rewarding relationship is the most rewarding thing I can do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and it’s been great. Once I realized I actually wanted a relationship I also realized I had a lot of issues around having one in real life. I felt like boyfriend meant someone got to tell me what to do, and that I couldn’t hang out with my friends. I was afraid I would have to hang out with him all the time and I would never have alone time again. What if he cheats or we have nothing in common? (the “what if’s” haunted me at night) I was afraid I would get bored and annoyed, like usually do, after a couple months. It’s no wonder I didn’t have a relationship! That sounds terrible!

I redefined what I wanted in a boyfriend. I even stopped using the word “boyfriend” because it had become such a negative word to me. I created what I wanted in a man and I was really specific about it. I wanted someone I could joke around and play with, someone who is as weird as I am, that I can share that side of me that I don’t let out in public places. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, in fact he loves me more for not being the image of perfection I think I should be. He loves my flaws. Someone who has a desire at the core of their being to grow and change and explore new parts of themselves and of life. We can grow together and support each other in moving forward. I could go on and on, but this is the kind of detail you must use to create what you want.

Then you have to FEEL those things happening right now. I felt what it feels like to be laughing uncontrollably about something that makes no sense to anyone else because it’s ours, it’s our joke and we are the only ones who get it or even care to. I felt cherished and content and loved and happy. All of this from a boyfriend?? Who would have thought!? :)

When you can feel what you want and you can feel it right now in this moment you are operating at the same vibration as what you want. You are always attracting into your life everything that is vibrating on the same level that you are. If you are trying desperately to find someone and you are not having any luck, it’s time to focus inward and see if you are yearning for someone to make you feel a certain way. This only invites more things to make you yearn. When you are happy you will find someone who adds to that.

After doing this work and living in the loved and happy fun place for a few days I met my boyfriend at a very unlikely place. We knew immediately. (They always say “you just know”. I didn’t know what that meant until I met him and I just knew.) We didn’t have to try that hard or force anything, it just flowed very naturally. If you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole, it’s not the right hole…no pun intended.

When you are ready, they will show up. When it’s right, it will be easy. If this isn’t the case, it’s time to take a look inside yourself at how you are feeling and take responsibility for what you are attracting. That is the simplest but best relationship advice I can give.



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