I recently heard someone say the first cue that a woman is trying to take advantage of you is that she has breasts. There is some truth to that statement. One of the ways women find their power when they think they have none is through manipulating men. Every girl gets her heart broken and ego demolished at some point, it’s like a rite of passage into woman hood.
For me, I was 17. Just moved in with my first boyfriend whome I was head over heels in love with. I got in a car accident at like 2 am up some crazy mountain road and I needed someone to come pick me up. I call and call but he doesn’t answer. I have a weird feeling in my stomach because I have my mother’s intuition and I can sense when something is wrong. Finally, one of my friends drove an hour to come get me and took me back to our apartment where much to my dismay, he wasn’t there. I knew what was happening but I didn’t believe it. Later on, I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine for about 6 months. I was devastated and more than anything I felt stupid because I cared for him so much. He begged me to take him back and I did…but I was never the same to him again. In the back of my mind I knew that I was going to teach him a lesson; Miss Jamie wanted her power back. I noticed that when I was withholding my attention from him inadvertantly because my feelings were hurt, he was making up the difference and paying more attention to me in turn. I knew that it was becoming more and more over for me, but I let him continue to do this because I didn’t to give him the chance to hurt me like that ever again. He damn near went crazy trying to make it like it used to be. One day I ended it because he was so paranoid about me cheating (never did happen) and I became unattracted to him.
I learned a few lessons about relationships:
1) I can use withholding my attention to gain power if I feel like it’s lacking.
2) Men will break my heart if I let them have the power.
Every woman out there has some story, some moment where she felt used, stupid, unloved, or betrayed by a man she was in love with who she thought would never do such a thing to her. They want to get back Johnny Heartberaker and the male race for breaking their heart when they were a teenager. So women learn to withhold sex and attention from men and use them as weapons of mass destruction to the male ego. Men play into the game by trying to get what they think they need from women. They spend countless hours in the gym and going out hitting on girls trying desperatly to be cooler and more attractive so the ladies will give them the sex and attention they so desire.
Are women just compulsively seeking control? (One lovely fellow asks)
It depends, for some it’s to protect themselves from being humped and dumped by someone they really care about, and some women get obsessed with this. What starts off as an intention to protect herself from being hurt like she was in the past can turn into a compulsive control strategy. Power is like a drug, some people do it a few times and realize it’s not for them and others become crack heads living on the street, robbing their mother to get their next fix. So for some girls the club is their crack pipe and men are the rock. Turning men who want them down becomes a sport, and even an addictive behavior. Women will go as far as dangling the promise of her sexuality in front of his face while men take them on vacations and extravagant dinners without ever planning on giving it to them. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever done that… and gained a temporary satisfaction from it. Some women, and this happened for me, feel empty inside. Then we do to emotional rehab and stop trying to use men for our own temporary false gratification. I have and I know other women who have turned down free stuff, money, vacations, expensive dinners, and jewelry; sometimes even free drinks, when they could have easily taken these things because they didn’t want to lead a guy on. That is being responsible with their power.
To those who already hate women and are looking for one more reason to continue doing so: Don’t take the truth I’m telling and go on a woman hating rampage trying to get them back, because you are adding to the vicious cycle. She hurts you and you get her back or the other way around and it just keeps going and going… until you stop playing that game. There are better games to play than getting entire female race back for the careless actions of one or two girls. Men and women both are just trying not to get hurt. When you can see what she is doing you can stop playing into it, while having compassion for her position. Just stop trying so hard to get her attention, don’t hate her for wanting it. We are all in the same boat here.
At some point you stop the power struggle and realize that no can take something away from you that you don’t need from them. If you need anything from anyone, they have power over you. If you are willing to let go of that thing you think you need, there is no power to be taken from you. No one can take it if you don’t give it to them. We are human and if we could do this 100% of the time we wouldn’t be, but it’s a path to start on.
Remember when you start needing anything from a woman you are in trouble. You can hate her for not giving you what you need or you can take responsibility for taking care of yourself. If you want her to validate you, validate your self instead. If you need her to validate you with her attention she can use that against you. If you don’t need her attention but you would like it that’s a different story. When I want it to be sunny and it’s not I’m bummed for a few minutes and then I get over it, understanding that there will be many more sunny days in Southern California!
Shout out to my friend and fellow coach Walter Durham and Project North Carolinawood for deepening my understanding of what men are going through, and how all pick-up artists are not bad people. They gave me the idea for this post. You can find out more about Walter: http://masterpickupartists.com/.