Make Your Fantasy a Reality on Valentine’s Day

February 11, 2014

Don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day? Let the dating coach help… It’s definitely not because there are a lack of women who want dates on Valentine’s Day!  Chances are it’s because you need it too much. When we desire something it becomes a fantasy and fantasies are fictional stories that never actually happen. We get stuck in the wanting of it and lose sight of having our desires come to fruition. The paradox is that actually getting what we truly want can be disappointing because it’s the death of the fantasy. We develop a close bond with our deepest fantasies and letting go of them can be a dislocating and uncomfortable experience. Part of the reason change is so difficult is you must dislocate yourself from your current state and sever the fantasy strings.  It’s much like uprooting a plant, the longer it has been there the harder it is to get all the roots.  Fantasy locks in our old behavior patterns and limits us to remain in our current set of beliefs and patterns.  It hides the very actions that could change everything from your view and tricks you into thinking you’re already on your way.  How the hell do I let go of these fantasies you say!?

The dating coach’s guide to getting a girlfriend:

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Step 1: Acknowledging your starting point. Simply take stock of where you are.

Example: I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m not dating anyone.

Step 2: Asking yourself what fantasies are in place that are giving you a false sense of hope and holding you back simultaneously?

Example: One day a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model will walk up to me in a bar, beg me to take her home and fall madly in love with me because I’m such a rockstar in the sack and we will have a four sum with Scarlete Johansson and Kate Upton and live in sexual ecstasy for all of our days.  

Ok, so that might be a little extreme, but our fantasies can be too!  Sometimes they are smaller like when we say “I’m going to start my daily workout routein tomorrow” and then we never do.  Holding on to that ‘tomorrow’ gives us a false sense of hope that we are going to do something about it rather than taking action in the present.  Tomorrow never comes…

Step 3: Feeling and integrating the emotional content that is underneath the fantasy.  This is what the fantasy is covering up.  Once it has moved through you and been released you can easily make a new choice and move forward!

Example: I feel lonely and powerless.

Step 4: The zinger.   Yep, those were the easy ones. :)  Taking responsibility for choosing to feel lonely and powerless and recognizing that it has nothing to do with your dating life, but rather that you are using that circumstance to feel lonely and powerless.  Facing this inner truth can feel gross inside, but ultimately when we take responsibility for our life we have the power to change it, otherwise we remain a victim to our outside world with no option of being anything other than a victim.

Even though consciously you may know the likelihood of your fantasy happening is pretty slim, it still gives you a place to hide out, while not actually making choices that shape your reality.  And think about it, who can actually live up to your fantasy???  No one can because it only exists in your mind!  Choose to have something real and tangible and experience in your body what it would be like to have it right now in this moment.  Choose someone who loves you for you… someone with whome  you can share laughter and joy… that you’re wildly attracted to… who is down to earth enough to be your best friend… whatever it is you want.  Rather than focusing on the specifics of who and what, create what it feels like and be open to it looking different than what you might have expected.

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Choices happen, desires don’t.

Taking action moves you forward, hoping doesn’t.

Stop fantasizing about Kate Upton and choose to meet someone amazing.

Feel free to ask the dating coach any other questions you might have about making your fantasies a reality.

Jamie@TheMysteryKey.com

 




Dating tip from a dating coach: Be comfortable with being uncomfortable

November 30, 2013

We are always moving toward what we want or away from it, but there is no such thing as not moving.  Our culture is lazy and entitled and we think that things will magically happen or one day someone will just give us what we want.  Sometimes we get lucky and it happens all at once with what seems like no effort, but we paid the price somewhere along the way.  Being lucky is about working toward your goal and simultaneously being open for it to suddenly happen all at once.  If you haven’t put the personal work in on yourself to be in a place where you know you deserve to have what you are seeking you will unconsciously find a way to lose it or get rid of it.  This can happen with anything.  I used to have trouble having more than a few thousand dollars in my bank account at one time so I would subconsciously find ways to drain my money without realizing that’s what I was doing.

As a dating coach I have seen this a lot with people and dating. For example: I had a dating coaching client who was great at meeting women who were not the ones he wanted. He could never seem to meet the kind of girl he dreamed about.  When he found a woman who could potentially be exactly what he wanted, he took himself out by getting nervous and over compensating for his discomfort.  Normally he was great with women, so this was not a matter of knowing what to do or how to talk to girls, it was about him not feeling worthy of this woman even though she was what he was looking for.  After doing some deep personal work on issues he had surrounding deserving to have a happy relationship, he was able to line up what he wanted with his unconscious mechanisms that were repelling what he wanted, he met a lovely woman and has been in a happy relationship for over a year now.  After dealing with the issue that was swimming just underneath the surface he was able to feel good about attracting the right woman for him and there was nothing in the way of that happening.

Moving toward your goals is uncomfortable.  It’s not easy the way just letting our dysfunctional mechanisms run the show is easy.  It requires discipline and dedication while also being able to let it go.  When you let it go it can come back to you, if  you’re holding on to the fantasy of it for dear life, the real thing can’t come in to existence for you.

Growth requires us to be in a constant state of change. Change it uncomfortable.  If you’re not uncomfortable you’re shrinking.  So get uncomfortable.  Take a risk.




Misery is a product of your own imagination.

July 1, 2013

Misery is a choice; it’s not even our natural state.  We have to work really hard at it!  But once we latch onto it, letting go can be quite difficult, like a baby on it’s mama’s teet.  We come from a source of infinite love and joy and that is our natural state. Our bodies start to break down when we leave that place consistently for long periods of time.  This is the root cause of much of the illness and disease our culture experiences today.

We are all born happy. This misery stuff is bull shit.  It’s a blatant choice to stick up your middle finger to your own natural way of being.  It’s leaving your hammock on the most beautiful white sandy beach in the Carribean, where you were getting a coconut oil massage from the sexiest person alive, and sipping an orgasmic fruity umbrella drink, for a nude dive with Gary Busey and Roseanne Barr in the sewer underneath Riverside, CA.

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Would you wish that upon anyone??  This is what you’re doing to yourself.  No one made you leave the beach, that was your choice.  You say, “I was fine and then I lost my job/wife/mojo/leg.”  If you lose your happiness BECAUSE of something outside yourself, your happiness is circumstantial and conditional; you can only be happy if particular planets are in alignment.  When things don’t go the way you want them to, you can have whatever reaction you need to, and simply move on or find the lesson and make the best of it.  That’s what happy people do.  Shit happens, and they go back to the beach.  They don’t swim in the sewer.

When you feel miserable you will defend that misery at all costs because you feel like you would only be this way for good reason, and if you are consistently miserable for a period of time it becomes a comfortable, addictive state. You can actually be addicted to suffering! When you’re running the suffering addiction pattern, someone who is happy is a threat to your misery.  So a miserable person will seek out other people, circumstances, and life events to perpetuate that feeling.  They are dwelling in the problems they have created for themselves and they want someone to join, because on some level they know this state of mind is their choice and they need agreement to make it ok to be choosing misery. They don’t have to be accountable to STOP suffering if the people around them are suffering too. This is why people say misery loves company.

When you are not happy and you want to be in a happy relationship you are putting an impossible expectation on your partner.  They are sure to fail, which will continue the vicious cycle of suffering.  Only you can choose to be happy, and you sure as hell can’t make someone else be happy either.  You can only be responsible for your self and let everyone else be responsible for themselves. WE ARE ALL 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF LIFE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

We always have exactly what we want in life.  If bad things keep happening to you, there is a part of you that wants those things to happen, maybe there is something you need to learn that would end the cycle. Rather than pointing the finger at something outside of yourself for ‘making’ you miserable, own that shit. Adopt of mindset of responsibility and point that finger at yourself. “I’m choosing to make myself miserable about this.”  It kills the excuse of being a victim of an outside circumstance, you get to take back your power and, eloquently speaking, make that circumstance your bitch.  How silly is it to let yourself be miserable because someone cut you off in traffic, dumped you, or even if you get a terminal illness?  Why willingly give your power over to that life challenge?  Does that create a solution or just perpetuate the problem?  No matter what happens the only thing you have control over is the way you react.

There are so many inspiring stories of people who made the best out of getting cancer or loosing a limb. They find a way to accept their circumstances and in many cases they come out a happier person after what could have been a devastating life event.  Let people like this be an inspiration and don’t let anything or anyone take you from your white sandy beach.

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Would you date you?

May 19, 2013

Ultimately if you don’t like yourself no one else will. Everyone talks about confidence. Confidence is attractive, yes. But there is something deeper than confidence I want to talk about today. It’s profound and deep, it’s abstract and under-rated. It’s self love. I realize this post is called “Would you date you?” It’s important to start with the foundation of magnetism, the art of attraction before skipping to the end. So many people go right to the surface stuff like, what your hobbies are, who you hang out with, how you present yourself to the world, what you do for work, how much money you have, etc. I’m all about that stuff, but it comes after. It’s your personality and people either like it or they don’t and that means nothing about YOU.

In today’s world we are judged by our personality and our character goes unseen. Character is who you are when people aren’t looking. When it’s quiet and you aren’t doing anything and there is no noise to distract. It’s who you are when you are alone with yourself. At that still moment ask yourself, do I love myself? If the answer is no, then you have no business dating around or trying to get someone else to love you. It won’t work. No one can love you until you love yourself.

It doesn’t mean you can’t think you want to improve something about yourself, or you have things to work on, or the other day you were rude to that cashier or short with a friend. That’s always going to be there, it’s part of being human. However judging ourselves for these things harshly over time can start to chip away at the love we once had for ourselves. Everyone one had it once. We are born into this world with it, and it’s always there when we want to come back to it.

We’ve all heard about unconditional love. Maybe your parents didn’t give that to you, maybe they didn’t know how but they tried their best and loved you the only way they knew how. Usually somewhere along the way our parents mess up and don’t love us the way we think they should. Then we blame them for why x is wrong with us. This doesn’t fix anything, so at some point we stop pointing the finger and look inside ourselves where the solutions truly lie… they lie in unconditional love. Good news is you don’t have to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you got it, great. If not, the universal God energy is giving it to us, teaching us how to love, all the time. It’s in the stillness and the silence. Sometimes it’s easiest to feel when you are around a baby or a puppy or a waterfall in nature, but really it’s everywhere all the time.

If you don’t love yourself no one else will. Start there, build a foundation upon which to have a great personality. In fact a great personality will come when you begin to open yourself to love and it will be your true personality based in your character. And it will be unique to you and unlike anyone else. That is sexy. ;)




Dating Tips – Are you boring? Ask the dating coach!

March 6, 2013

When women first start seeing someone they want it to be exciting and fun.  They expect it to feel a certain way and if it doesn’t they think it’s because they don’t like you that much.  You might be perfect for her and she doesn’t even know it because you are mistakingly hiding how great you are!  Even if she does like you but dating you doesn’t feel as exhilarating as she thinks it should or remembers it being before, she may lose interest and something that could have been great doesn’t even get explored.

There are two extremes: on one side of the dating spectrum are the guys who are deceivingly great “daters”.  They are great at taking a girl on the emotional ride she wants to go on.  He knows that in the beginning of dating him she wants to feel like she is being led by through the process of getting to know one another.  He makes this fun and exciting and therefore she’s happy.  The more serious stuff can be saved for later, she doesn’t need it yet.  She is on an emotional ride and her logical mind might not be engaged because she is on the cloud 9 of her emotions.  But when it comes time to share the more personal aspects of life, experience deep intimacy, and function more as a unit he has no idea what to do.

He’s good at creating an emotional experience to get her to shop at the store but he doesn’t have any items she needs for sale.  After a while she doesn’t want to go back to that store anymore, it seems great but it’s all empty boxes.  Confident women don’t take a man like this seriously and they will want to keep it casual or stop hanging out because he’s not comfortable exploring deeper realms.  Occasionally a guy like this will lasso a needy, insecure woman who unconsciously wants to be in a relationship with someone who is unavailable.  Then he wonders why “all women are needy”.

On the other side of the spectrum, some guys are great, and definitely boyfriend material, but they lack the ability to take a girl on the ride that she needs to go on to feel interested in finding out more.  They suck at dating.  In the example I gave earlier, they have a great store but terrible marketing so she doesn’t know she wants to go in.  Once she does get in she loves it and wants to stay because the store has so much to offer!  The good news is this is an easier problem to fix than being shallow and afraid of intimacy.

As a dating coach I get a lot of clients like this second type of guy and many times they don’t realize that there is one mistake they are making that is messing with their mojo.  Really, all guys can benefit from this, every human being can benefit from this!

Be unpredictable.  Shes bored by dating you!  If you are being unpredictable and she doesn’t know exactly what’s coming next she is always eagerly waiting to see what you will do.  If you turn dating you into a boring, mundane task and it’s not interesting enough to keep her attention, she thinks it’s because “you’re not right for her” or “you want different things” or you don’t have “anything in common” or any other of the plethora of excuses women use as to why they don’t want to see you anymore.

Do something different and shake things up a little.  Human beings have an extraordinary ability to get into a rut.  Being dynamic is sexy!  It doesn’t mean you are changing your personality, just that you’re improving it.  It will be a good exercise to expand your comfort zone of what you normally do and how you normally act.  If you are usually serious, try joking around and being a little goofy.  If you are normally the boring dinner date guy, DO SOMETHING FUN for a change.  I know the typical dinner date can be fun, but let’s face it, it’s usually not… at least when you first start dating someone because you just sit there and stare at eachother over half eaten food, trying to make conversation.  Why not go to a museum, bowling, hike, picnic on the beach, outdoor concert or even an improv show?  Take her to a hole in the wall instead of a chain at the very least.

If you want to find out if you are being unpredictable or you have a story or question email me at jamie@themysterykey.com and I’ll make a post about it.

Sincerely,

Jamie Thompson

Dating Coach




Worst reason ever to want a relationship

February 6, 2013

…So it will make you happy.  No one wants to be with someone who isn’t happy already or who needs them to be happy except someone who is also unhappy who needs someone to make them happy… and guess what?  Those two will probably not be happy together.  If they are happy for a little while they will eventually go back to being unhappy and point finger at each other for being the one who made the unhappy person unhappy again.

Dysfunctional relationships happen when someone is looking for something in someone else that they don’t think they have in themselves and they want to use the other person to get it.  Trying to fill the hole with someone only makes the hole deeper.  Many times the person patches it up for awhile, but much like putting a band-aide on a gaping wound, it eventually doesn’t do the trick anymore and the wound starts bleeding.  It’s pretty graphic, but so is this hole we want to fill.  Then we get mad at the person who stopped filling it, blaming them for our hole!  Because they covered it up for a while we think it’s their fault that it’s still there.  No one can make you unhappy.  You are one who went searching for something to fill the hole, don’t be mad when all you find is dirt. :)

We have everything we really want already inside us.  Everything you think you want outside yourself actually can be followed back to a feeling you desire to feel internally.  When you can feel the experience that you wish to have internally more frequently you start resonating with more experiences that would have you keep feeling that way.  It’s like when you are in a great mood and having a wonderful attitude people are so nice and all is good in the world.  If you are having a bad day everything seems to suck and people are assholes.  The more often we live in the experience we wish to have, the more often we will notice things happening that cause us to feel that way.  This is no coincidence.  Like attracts like.  Birds of a feather flock together.  You get the point.

People want to be around happy people.  If you are being anything but happy, don’t go out looking for someone to change that for you.  Rather take a look at what the hell you think is so bad about your life.  A wise friend once told me “If everyone threw their problems into a pile and you saw your other options, you would want your problems back”.  Try being grateful. Try smiling.  Try laughing.  Try being generous.  Try making an animal noise. (that works for me every time) Just do something!

If you stop telling yourself a story how bad things are, you will find that there is happiness in that moment and in every moment.  It’s waiting for you to stop pushing it away.

 




Relationship advice: Finding a happy relationship

January 28, 2013

I talk to clients of mine who come to me for relationship coaching and many of them are frustrated with their dating lives and who they are attracting.

For a very long time I was primarily a dating coach because I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I most wanted to hang out and have fun, doing as I please with no one to answer to. I thought this was better than being in a relationship because I had never had a great relationship. I looked around and saw that most people, including me, have crappy romantic relationships. Most people aren’t happy with their significant others, re: the divorce rate and cheating couples. As a whole people have settled for mediocre relationships. I just said relationships like 6 times. But that’s how much I love relationships! Never thought I’d say that. Now I’m transitioning from dating coaching to relationship coaching. Helping people find a rewarding relationship is the most rewarding thing I can do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and it’s been great. Once I realized I actually wanted a relationship I also realized I had a lot of issues around having one in real life. I felt like boyfriend meant someone got to tell me what to do, and that I couldn’t hang out with my friends. I was afraid I would have to hang out with him all the time and I would never have alone time again. What if he cheats or we have nothing in common? (the “what if’s” haunted me at night) I was afraid I would get bored and annoyed, like usually do, after a couple months. It’s no wonder I didn’t have a relationship! That sounds terrible!

I redefined what I wanted in a boyfriend. I even stopped using the word “boyfriend” because it had become such a negative word to me. I created what I wanted in a man and I was really specific about it. I wanted someone I could joke around and play with, someone who is as weird as I am, that I can share that side of me that I don’t let out in public places. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, in fact he loves me more for not being the image of perfection I think I should be. He loves my flaws. Someone who has a desire at the core of their being to grow and change and explore new parts of themselves and of life. We can grow together and support each other in moving forward. I could go on and on, but this is the kind of detail you must use to create what you want.

Then you have to FEEL those things happening right now. I felt what it feels like to be laughing uncontrollably about something that makes no sense to anyone else because it’s ours, it’s our joke and we are the only ones who get it or even care to. I felt cherished and content and loved and happy. All of this from a boyfriend?? Who would have thought!? :)

When you can feel what you want and you can feel it right now in this moment you are operating at the same vibration as what you want. You are always attracting into your life everything that is vibrating on the same level that you are. If you are trying desperately to find someone and you are not having any luck, it’s time to focus inward and see if you are yearning for someone to make you feel a certain way. This only invites more things to make you yearn. When you are happy you will find someone who adds to that.

After doing this work and living in the loved and happy fun place for a few days I met my boyfriend at a very unlikely place. We knew immediately. (They always say “you just know”. I didn’t know what that meant until I met him and I just knew.) We didn’t have to try that hard or force anything, it just flowed very naturally. If you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole, it’s not the right hole…no pun intended.

When you are ready, they will show up. When it’s right, it will be easy. If this isn’t the case, it’s time to take a look inside yourself at how you are feeling and take responsibility for what you are attracting. That is the simplest but best relationship advice I can give.




Dating tips: Tension is your friend

December 2, 2012

As human beings, we associate tension with being uncomfortable.  The interesting thing is that “discomfort” is actually a positive thing.  Running from it means running away form what you want.  Take relationships for example: when you first meet someone, there is that energy that we often refer to as awkwardness that happens between two people who like eachother.  This awkwardness is tension and it’s a good thing.  It happens because of two things, without these two things there is no tension.  No tension = no second, third, fourth, 1000th date.

1. We care about what the other person thinks, does, and how they respond to us. There are differing degrees of how much we care, but we can all admit that the ones who raise our blood pressure are the ones we like the most.  Of course some dimwit you are on a first date with that is not that attractive to you, isn’t going to raise your blood pressure, and hopefully they don’t get a second date from you.  Good rule of thumb: if they don’t have an effect on your body chemistry, they aren’t right for you.

If no one ever makes you a little nervous, I am shocked at how incredibly shut down you are.  I thought I had seen it all! :) Perhaps you are, in fact, not a human being… but most likely, you haven’t met the right girl(s) yet!

If every girl makes you nervous, you need to become more comfortable around women, especially ones you are attracted to.  This comes from experience being around them.  No amount of dating tips will help you until you see women as people and are no longer intimidated by them.

2. We wonder what will happen next in the interaction, which is because we care.  This is also illustrated in watching a great suspensful movie or tv show.  When I watch The Walking Dead my heart pounds as I hope that a zombie is not waiting for them right around the corner.  This doesn’t happen for me when I watch Revolution.  Nothing happens to my blood pressure and I don’t really get nervous, I’m more focused on the flaws in the plot or characters.  It doesn’t make me wonder what was going to happen next!  Just like dating, when there is a healthy tension, unimportant or even important flaws can easily be over looked.  But when there is no tension, it’s all you can focus on.  This is why Revolution did not get a second date with me.

If she doesn’t care and she doesn’t wonder what’s going to happen next, there is no tension.  If there is no tension, there is probably no second date, relationship, or nookie for you.  So rather then run from the tension, move toward it with open arms and a closed mouth.  Drooling is not sexy.  This means if you feel nervous because the air between you is thick and there is an awkward silence and she blushes, it’s working!  You’re a human being who is navigating their way through the magnetic energy that occurs between two people when they are attracted to each other.  We don’t like it because it’s uncomfortable at first, but a piece of relationship advice, learn to appreciate the tension and relax into it.  It’s easy when you truly realize it’s a good thing!  Be ok with having perfectly natural human experiences.  They key lies in how you use the tension, not in trying to get rid of it.  Getting rid of it makes it boring.  Don’t be boring.  Embrace your humanity.

Dating tips and relationship advice coming up on tension and how it creates longevity and happiness in relationships.




Did you put on your woman repellent tonight?

August 16, 2011

They are selling it at your local Ed Hardy T-shirt store.  Like these lovely specimens on the left, most men think they know what to do with the ladies… even if they don’t. It’s difficult to know what you are doing wrong, but easy to identify it in other people.  Most men put on their favorite cheesy drinking t-shirt and give it the old college try, just like they did the last time they failed miserably at the bar.  Maybe this time the outing can be more educated, after all you’re not in college anymore.

I will only say this once.  Do not wear Ed Hardy gear, it is about as attractive as dousing yourself in a blend of sheep, cat and llama pee.  Burn your Ed Hardy clothing, don’t even give it to the homeless.  They deserve better.

There are many things guys do when out at the bars that make women want to throw up in their mouth.  If you can’t identify these 3 types of guys, then you may be dangerously close to being one of them so pay attention.

 

1.  Stage 1 Creepers

Ricky Ricardo and the constant creepers stand stiffly in the corner with their drinks, robotically eye molesting at all the girls in the bar like transformer gagatrons.  These guys are extreme but every girl knows what group I ‘m talking about because there is one in every bar.  Guys, you are better off socializing with the girls they are attracted to or staying home and saving your money!  Heavens to Betsy, don’t just stare at them or do the awkward shifty eye wink.

Even if you say hi to a girl and it doesn’t go anywhere, it’s nothing to take personal because if you leave a good impression and you see her later it’s easier to continue and conversation where you left off, then start from “Hey, I was staring at you for about 3 hours over there in that corner and I just had to come say hi…”

 

2.   Eager beavers

Women shudder when they walk up and again when they walk away.  They are the overly excited puppy dog gang, searching for any thing with female parts to latch onto, waggling their little tails about the bar. (yes, I said waggling)  These guys act like they have never seen a girl before, or maybe like they just railed some high octane methamphetamine, or both.  Perhaps you could try sedating yourself before entering the establishment.

Girls can sense when a guy has not been around girls.  It appears like they have an ankle braclet they give parolees on house arrest and it shocks them with a certain edgy nervousness any time someone with lovely lady lumps enters a 30-foot radius. I know she’s gorgeous guys, but it’s good to get used to hanging out with and being normal around girls as friends.  Treat them like you treat your guy friends, they are people too!  If you put women in some special superior category you will act weird around them.  A man is more desirable if other women desire him so even bringing out some of your girl friends is a good idea too.

 

3.  Too Kool McGoulds

They take longer to get ready than me when I’m being slow.  They only talk to those who are a part of their double x secret club.  They wear scarves in the summer and over wax their man brows.  When an attractive girl smiles at them they pretend not to know or care, suffering from delusions that this makes them appear famous, rich, fabulous, and therefore more attractive.  That look she shot you was your in!  Their withdrawn arrogance is a facade and everyone sees it but them.

If men have their guard up like this all the time, women are going to match it and be closed and cold, armed with their bitch shield to protect them.  Both parties want to get to know each other but neither will get off the cool train, so it quickly becomes a stale mate situation.  Pretending she doesn’t exist makes her wonder why you are so inaccessable for about 4 seconds and move on to another.  You leave the bar with your scarf and your bar tab and no one on your arm.  Flirting with a girl and being engaging turns her on and it’s a lot more fun for you because you get to do something other then pretend to be cool.

In your next bar outing, leave these three personalities at home and try being friendly, fun, and social.  Go out with some friends, maybe even some girls you know.  Give the open and flirtatious way a shot or the old college try, whichever you prefer. :)




How to not be taken advantage of by women.

July 28, 2011

I recently heard someone say the first cue that a woman is trying to take advantage of you is that she has breasts.  There is some truth to that statement.  One of the ways women find their power when they think they have none is through manipulating men. Every girl gets her heart broken and ego demolished at some point, it’s like a rite of passage into woman hood.

For me, I was 17.  Just moved in with my first boyfriend whome I was head over heels in love with.  I got in a car accident at like 2 am up some crazy mountain road and I needed someone to come pick me up.  I call and call but he doesn’t answer.  I have a weird feeling in my stomach because I have my mother’s intuition and I can sense when something is wrong.  Finally, one of my friends drove an hour to come get me and took me back to our  apartment where much to my dismay, he wasn’t there.  I knew what was happening but I didn’t believe it.  Later on, I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine for about 6 months.  I was devastated and more than anything I felt stupid because I cared for him so much.  He begged me to take him back and I did…but I was never the same to him again.  In the back of my mind I knew that I was going to teach him a lesson; Miss Jamie wanted her power back.  I noticed that when I was withholding my attention from him inadvertantly because my feelings were hurt, he was making up the difference and paying more attention to me in turn.  I knew that it was becoming more and more over for me, but I let him continue to do this because I didn’t to give him the chance to hurt me like that ever again.  He damn near went crazy trying to make it like it used to be.  One day I ended it because he was so paranoid about me cheating (never did happen) and I became unattracted to him.

I learned a few lessons about relationships:

1) I can use withholding my attention to gain power if I feel like it’s lacking.

2) Men will break my heart if I let them have the power.

Every woman out there has some story, some moment where she felt used, stupid, unloved, or betrayed by a man she was in love with who she thought would never do such a thing to her.  They want to get back Johnny Heartberaker and the male race for breaking their heart when they were a teenager.  So women learn to withhold sex and attention from men and use them as weapons of mass destruction to the male ego.  Men play into the game by trying to get what they think they need from women.  They spend countless hours in the gym and going out hitting on girls trying desperatly to be cooler and more attractive so the ladies will give them the sex and attention they so desire.

Are women just compulsively seeking control? (One lovely fellow asks)

It depends, for some it’s to protect themselves from being humped and dumped by someone they really care about, and some women get obsessed with this.  What starts off as an intention to protect herself from being hurt like she was in the past can turn into a compulsive control strategy.  Power is like a drug, some people do it a few times and realize it’s not for them and others become crack heads living on the street, robbing their mother to get their next fix.  So for some girls the club is their crack pipe and men are the rock.  Turning men who want them down becomes a sport, and even an addictive behavior.  Women will go as far as dangling the promise of her sexuality in front of his face while men take them on vacations and extravagant dinners without ever planning on giving it to them.  I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever done that… and gained a temporary satisfaction from it.  Some women, and this happened for me, feel empty inside.  Then we do to emotional rehab and stop trying to use men for our own temporary false gratification.  I have and I know other women who have turned down free stuff, money, vacations, expensive dinners, and jewelry; sometimes even free drinks, when they could have easily taken these things because they didn’t want to lead a guy on.  That is being responsible with their power.

To those who already hate women and are looking for one more reason to continue doing so: Don’t take the truth I’m telling and go on a woman hating rampage trying to get them back, because you are adding to the vicious cycle.  She hurts you and you get her back or the other way around and it just keeps going and going… until you stop playing that game.  There are better games to play than getting entire female race back for the careless actions of one or two girls.  Men and women both are just trying not to get hurt.  When you can see what she is doing you can stop playing into it, while having compassion for her position.  Just stop trying so hard to get her attention, don’t hate her for wanting it.  We are all in the same boat here.

At some point you stop the power struggle and realize that no can take something away from you that you don’t need from them.  If you need anything from anyone, they have power over you.  If you are willing to let go of that thing you think you need, there is no power to be taken from you.  No one can take it if you don’t give it to them.  We are human and if we could do this 100% of the time we wouldn’t be, but it’s a path to start on.

Remember when you start needing anything from a woman you are in trouble.  You can hate her for not giving you what you need or you can take responsibility for taking care of yourself.  If you want her to validate you, validate your self instead.  If you need her to validate you with her attention she can use that against you.  If you don’t need her attention but you would like it that’s a different story.  When I want it to be sunny and it’s not I’m bummed for a few minutes and then I get over it, understanding that there will be many more sunny days in Southern California!

Shout out to my friend and fellow coach Walter Durham and Project North Carolinawood for deepening my understanding of what men are going through, and how all pick-up artists are not bad people.  They gave me the idea for this post. :)  You can find out more about Walter: http://masterpickupartists.com/.

 

 

 



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