Don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day? Let the dating coach help… It’s definitely not because there are a lack of women who want dates on Valentine’s Day! Chances are it’s because you need it too much. When we desire something it becomes a fantasy and fantasies are fictional stories that never actually happen. We get stuck in the wanting of it and lose sight of having our desires come to fruition. The paradox is that actually getting what we truly want can be disappointing because it’s the death of the fantasy. We develop a close bond with our deepest fantasies and letting go of them can be a dislocating and uncomfortable experience. Part of the reason change is so difficult is you must dislocate yourself from your current state and sever the fantasy strings. It’s much like uprooting a plant, the longer it has been there the harder it is to get all the roots. Fantasy locks in our old behavior patterns and limits us to remain in our current set of beliefs and patterns. It hides the very actions that could change everything from your view and tricks you into thinking you’re already on your way. How the hell do I let go of these fantasies you say!?
The dating coach’s guide to getting a girlfriend:
Step 1: Acknowledging your starting point. Simply take stock of where you are.
Example: I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m not dating anyone.
Step 2: Asking yourself what fantasies are in place that are giving you a false sense of hope and holding you back simultaneously?
Example: One day a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model will walk up to me in a bar, beg me to take her home and fall madly in love with me because I’m such a rockstar in the sack and we will have a four sum with Scarlete Johansson and Kate Upton and live in sexual ecstasy for all of our days.
Ok, so that might be a little extreme, but our fantasies can be too! Sometimes they are smaller like when we say “I’m going to start my daily workout routein tomorrow” and then we never do. Holding on to that ‘tomorrow’ gives us a false sense of hope that we are going to do something about it rather than taking action in the present. Tomorrow never comes…
Step 3: Feeling and integrating the emotional content that is underneath the fantasy. This is what the fantasy is covering up. Once it has moved through you and been released you can easily make a new choice and move forward!
Example: I feel lonely and powerless.
Step 4: The zinger. Yep, those were the easy ones. :) Taking responsibility for choosing to feel lonely and powerless and recognizing that it has nothing to do with your dating life, but rather that you are using that circumstance to feel lonely and powerless. Facing this inner truth can feel gross inside, but ultimately when we take responsibility for our life we have the power to change it, otherwise we remain a victim to our outside world with no option of being anything other than a victim.
Even though consciously you may know the likelihood of your fantasy happening is pretty slim, it still gives you a place to hide out, while not actually making choices that shape your reality. And think about it, who can actually live up to your fantasy??? No one can because it only exists in your mind! Choose to have something real and tangible and experience in your body what it would be like to have it right now in this moment. Choose someone who loves you for you… someone with whome you can share laughter and joy… that you’re wildly attracted to… who is down to earth enough to be your best friend… whatever it is you want. Rather than focusing on the specifics of who and what, create what it feels like and be open to it looking different than what you might have expected.
Choices happen, desires don’t.
Taking action moves you forward, hoping doesn’t.
Stop fantasizing about Kate Upton and choose to meet someone amazing.
Feel free to ask the dating coach any other questions you might have about making your fantasies a reality.