The missing piece of “chemistry”

June 15, 2010

I've been working very closely with a client on the East Coast over the last few months and one of the challenges that he has when knowing how to approach a girl or move a relationship forward is creating tension.  When I told him what creating tension was all about he realized he had been unaware of what that even means and how to do it.  Many guys have seen other guys creating tension but have no idea how to do it themselves when approaching women, texting them, or hanging out on beginning dates.  I will start at the beginning… 

 

Tension creates chemistry… so what is tension?  

Tension is also known as "chemistry", but really tension is a lot of what creates chemistry between a man and a woman.  When the tension has a sexual undertone it creates sexual tension aka attraction between two people.  It's when two people are flirting and you can feel something between them that no one can really articulate but everyone knows is there.  You can tell these two people are not just friends, they are dating or lovers.  Tension is not a dating technique and if you use it like a strategy many times it will backfire and come across as creepy or fake.  It's something that occurs naturally between two people that are interested in each other on a romantic or sexual level.  However, you CAN learn to naturally create and manage tension!

 

The problem many men have is they are afraid of tension!  This becomes a problem because tension is exactly what they need to embrace for the women they are interested in to be interested in them.  When the man is holding the tension the woman can release it which makes her think of him as more then a friend.  Think about two people who are flirting… usually if the girls likes the guy she is giggly and smiley, releasing the tension through laughter, animated gestures, body movements, looking away, and what she says. The man can be creating and managing tension (the woman will do this a little as well) but her primary job is releasing it in her feminine expression.

 

If the man is afraid of tension or doesn't know how to manage it, he will usually laugh at things that are not funny, have nervous gestures and postures to let go of the tension, and start saying things that are looking for approval from the girl.  Don't turn into a smiley whiley!  Sometimes men see the tension as something uncomfortable and something to end as soon as possible.  They don't know what to do with it so they get needy and start seeking validation instead of meeting the tension head on and being happy that it's there.  Then they wonder why girls aren't interested in them as more then friends.

 

Nothing is more attractive then a man who is unapologetic about what he wants and taking risks for what he wants.  A great way to create tension is to be direct in your actions with her, your conversation, your opinions, and especially with compliments.  Take a risk!  If she doesn't respond well you know one of two very important things: She either isn't interested in you as more then a friend, which is good to know so you don't waste your time, or you didn't manage the tension properly with the risk you took.  With this information you can move forward in a productive manner… so you have nothing to lose!

 

One of the most polarizing and attractive things I've seen men do is give a woman a direct and authentic compliment and then look her right in the eyes and hold it until she looks away, giggles, or flirts back in some way.  If there is no authentic compliment that comes to mind, just say something bold.  The tension occurs when you sit there uncompromising in the polarity of the male/female flirtation, AND YOU WAIT for her to let go of the tension.  (more…)

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